shenunigans | Skinny derpin'

Skinny derpin'

It's a good few months into the 'Dave doesn't swim' factor of Feferi and Dave's weird rivalry and Dave is pretty sure Feferi has tried to pull every card she has in an attempt to have him fully submerged. It doesn't work, of course. Dave is as protective of his swimming virginity as a nun is with. Well. Her regular virginity? Whatever. Point is he isn't going for it. In fact, as a form of revenge for her relentless bothering, she may just have found him snacking on her goldfish crackers like what up girl I'm eating your snacks. Needless to say, that didn't go down so well.

But it's whatever, right? It's in the past. Though Dave suspects it may not be over yet when he gets a text from Feferi asking him to bring her a towel at an absurd hour of the morning. He had promised he'd make it up to her for the crackers, so he begrudingly heads out to the pool with her stupid fluffy towel. Fuck nocturnal trolls and fuck stupidly pretty troll royalty who trick you into cutting them the sweet end of the deal. At the very least, he gets to see her in her swimsuit, right? Always a boner.

Bonus.

He thought bonus.

The mental goings on of a teenage boy aside, he's made his way to the pool in reasonable time with the towel over his shoulder and he's going to cup his hand over his mouth so he can loudly announce his entrance. Not that anyone but Feferi is around, given that it's 4am but that's beside the point.

"Yo, princess. There's like a million signs telling you not to forget a towel, could you have picked a lamer way to fuck with me?"

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Reciprocation is the highest form of appreciation to the Dave. He likes to know he's going in the right direction without having to be told. He just can't help thinking it took him a damn long time to get to this point.

"Woah." Well damn. That's just about all he can say right now. He is so woefully unprepared for this moment, Bro is probably rolling in his space grave. He lets himself be coaxed closer, letting his forehead press down against hers so she can get a nice good look at his bewildered red eyes. "Ditto." Yup. He's dishing out the eloquence right now.

He's just going to... chill with his face pressed against hers for a second before he gathers the brain power to ask the important questions. "I don't think I ever asked how trolls do the nasty.." He trails off, worrying his bottom lip as he tries to word this as unawkwardly as possible. "What do you even have down there?" The chances of her having a horse dick are too high to risk. So as to save face for that awkward question, he's going to bury his face against her neck and start pressing kisses to it. Okay so maybe he's trying to discreetly hide his face against her neck. Don't judge him.

If he's never thought to ask, neither has she. Between his attention to her neck and her own uncertainty on how to answer, her response isn't very forthcoming. Those kisses feel so good, but now she can't help but wonder the same thing in return. It doesn't escape her imagination that instead of anything normal or useful, he may very well have some kind of gaping toothed maw down there. That's not exactly the most arousing thought, but no amount of positive thinking can really fill in the gaps in her knowledge of human anatomy.

Come to think of it, she really doesn't know that much of male troll anatomy either, beyond the basics.

"The usual, I guess," she finally answers, still very unsure of herself. They were just getting over one awkward hump, it can't be time for another already. She struggles, trying to find a way to rescue this one, trying to keep things moving. "Why don't we find out? I'm pretty sure we can work something out. You sort of saw it already anyway, right?"

It might be scary. It might be gross. But she'll be damned if she doesn't at least try to work something out between them. She's not about to let something like body parts get in the way of this. They have put way more effort than was necessary into getting to this point to let it fall it apart now.

Oh. That's right. He's seen it all. He doesn't....know how he managed to forget that, then again, he was trying his darnedest not to stare. He didn't get such a good look at her downstairs considering her boobs managed to hold his attention before he realised he was being weird.

Yep. She stands in front of him naked and chill and he thinks he's weird for looking. Dave logic.

He pulls his head back so he can make eye contact again. "Yeah, yeah." He seems incredibly enthusiastic about that, and he follows it with a vigorous nod. He's sort of sunk down to the point where he's all but sitting on her, and he's pretty damn comfortable doing that. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours?" He thumbs the edges of his boxers, the last line of defense against the virginity thief. He's...ready. Yeah. He's so good to do this right now, he knows Feferi isn't going to fuck him over, still feels all tingly teen movie and like this is meant to be some big dramatic moment.

That said, he's kind of digging the casual thing they have going here. It's cool. They're cool. Two star crossed lovers who like each others butts and want to try banging. Also one of them is an alien. This could be a movie.

At least he knows she doesn't have a giant horsecock, and she doesn't have to reassure him of that. Because she would have, if she'd known the option was on the table at any point.

"Just like that," she affirms with a nod, her smile just sort of disconcertingly enthusiastic. She can't help it if she's excited, this is exciting, of course she's going to be excited. "Wait. Do you want to help me get my shirt off first?"

She is, lucky for her, woefully unaware of how tacky that sounds, like something out of a bad porno. But she's actually serious, just for this one moment. From her position, even with her hair braided, shirt remove becomes a task unto itself between the horns and the hair. She's not even trying to be coy about it.

"Is that even a question?" He's not even going to hide how eager he is to help her out with that issue. He smiles a little wider, slinking his hand up her shirt so he can tease the skin underneath, rolling it upward as he goes.

Of course, he hesitates a little as he gets to the moneymakers, but his eagerness urges him to proceed with the action. Yep. He can do this. He can release the krakens. He just...can't look right now. Whatever, he'll be romantic. He'll make eye contact as he slides her shirt up, muttering to himself as he maneuvers around the vast amounts of hair and horns.

By the end of it, he's pretty frustrated with the shirt, enough to toss it off to the side. Additionally, he's definitely starting to feel the heat here. Everything he does is making this situation more real, it's like he's on the one way track to bonerville.

Finally, he's going to half smile at Feferi and allow himself a look down at her chest.

Thankfully, having braided her hair helps. She shifts and arches her back and wiggles around to help him out in the process, and gets just as frustrated with the difficult process of shirt removal as he does. She's glad to see it gone. Hopefully he doesn't mind intense eye contact though; given half the chance, she will stare right back at him.

When he doesn't move in for the boob grab right away... well, she is a little disappointed, but it's touching. Maybe he's trying to be polite, or he's still too nervous. She is too, but naturally adventurous, and deciding that maybe an ice breaker is needed, she reaches up between them and gropes his chest, for however little there is to grope.

"Sorry they're not as nice as yours." She feigns apology, trying not to laugh. "Not everyone can be as voluptuous as you are!"

Edited (NOTIF!!!!) 2013-11-09 04:10 (UTC)

It's a little of both, really. Dave doesn't know proper boob etiquette. For once, movies don't seem like a particularly good frame of reference for this sort of thing. Then again, it's pretty fucking stupid to think Feferi wouldn't be into something as debonair and romantic as an impulsive boob grab.

Only it seems kind of weird. Does he just grab and squeeze? That seems kind of fucked up to him. Like yo I like your chest things, so soft. Let me squeeze them.

He sort of tries to arch away as she grabs his chest, sputtering as he resists the urge to laugh. God, this is goofiest X rated comedy ever fucking made.

"Alright, alright. I get the point." He scoffs at her, sliding a hand up to cup one of her breasts. This is it, this is the big moment. He gives it a soft squeeze and god he knows why people like doing this. So soft. So fucking soft. He's just going to move his hands so he can cup both before taking the plunge and burying his face between them. "Has anyone ever told you that you're fucking perfect?" He says so romantically with his face smothered between her breasts.

"No, you would be the first!" She's still trying not to laugh too much, especially because he's inadvertently tickling her. Instead she just shifts herself subtly and says nothing of it. "You can squeeze harder, you know. I'll tell you if I want you to stop."

He is, in fact, the most romantic, but from her current vantage point there is not much she get do, except to stroke his hair, flat-palmed like she was petting a cat or dog. She too is a master of romance and all things sexy.

"You're shitting me." He puts things so eloquently, doesn't he? He sounds a hell of a lot like he's sucking up right now, but it's genuine. Surprisingly enough. He doesn't really need to give her asspats when she's got her boobs in his hands.

A brow raises at the request, shifting so his chin is resting on her chest. "Do girls, uh, like it when guys do that?" There's no way that question wouldn't be awkward. "Guess I figured it was for the guys or something." You fool. But whatever, he's gonna scoot up again, inadvertently rubbing his boner up against her as he does. He feels like he should be embarrassed, but damn it feels good. He thinks he can figure this sex thing out already.

As a test, he's going to do both of these highly complicated moves at once. He grinds his hips down against her hips, squeezing her breasts with a little more gusto this time. Yep. This is definitely the sex.

"I don't know about all girls, but I sure do!" She doesn't even have time to demonstrate before he's already going at it, and she's more than expressive of how much she enjoys it-- her muscles tense, she bites her lip, and she raises her hips to meet his.

"Just like that." Letting herself relax a little, she fixes him with a very serious stare. "I think it works better if you take off the underwear though."

Not that she's in any real sort of rush. She could let him play with her boobs all night if he was really into it. But his teasing is too much and she lacks the finesse and self-control to try and hold herself back, to be the one to draw things out.

"It's a good thing you're a fish because I'm totally not objectifying you when I call you a catch." And you can't argue with that goofy grin he gives her for that amazing line. Totally nailed it, she won't get up and never sleep with him ever for that shitty joke.

It's nice seeing that his attempts at being sexy are landing well, god the face she makes is making him feel unbearably turned on. A hand cannot begin to emulate the sensation of knowing you're turning someone on. Someone so fucking gorgeous and fun. He doesn't know what the fuck he did to get this lucky.

"Right.." He murmurs, pulling his hands away from her breasts to slide down to the hem of her panties. "You distracted me- that's on you." But now he's found something else to try out. Instead of just ripping her panties off, he's going to tease. He slips his hand downward so he can rub his fingers over her folds through the panties. It's half out his own curiosity and half because he imagines chicks dig that.

That does get a giggle out of her. Okay, so it's not a proper fish pun if you call it out first, but she mentally ticks off a half a point for him, for the effort. She watches him curiously as he moves, trying to anticipate his next move. It seems straight forward enough to her, but he decides to take a different approach, apparently.

If he was trying to make her squirm, he's succeeded. There's an effort on her part not to flail too much and hurt him, but she does grab at the nearest surface and lets loose a little glub. Part of it is just the surprise, but the other part is just how good it feels.

"Hey," she whines, and she gives him an exceedingly fake pout when she pushes herself up on her elbows to look at him, though she doesn't tell him to stop. She is all for experimenting, and she knows he's teasing her, but what's the point of that if she just goes along with it?

The positive reaction had been what he was looking for, so he might just rub a little harder. He's not being rough, just much less tentative now that he knows it's something she likes. Ah yes, Dave you are the master of pussy game. Of course, even the master is apparently a little perplexed by the wetness. Pull yourself together, Young Master Dave, it's a good thing. That's like basic...sex knowledge? What's the cool term for that. Who cares.

He quirks a brow when she speaks up, briefly worrying he'd done something wrong or she'd caught the vibe that he's inwardly nerding out. When the fact that she's teasing hits him, he can't help chuckling in response. He gives her a brief, lopsided smile and takes it as a sign of encouragement, even if she's whining.

"Hey what." He retorts ever so casually, slipping his fingers past the leg hem of her panties so he can again, tentatively press his fingers inward. It's not the weirdest thing he's ever done, obviously, but there's something to be said about fingering the folds of an alien's vagina.

Either he's smarter about this than she thought he was going to be, or (more likely) he's just incredibly lucky, and maybe perceptive. Not that it takes a genius to figure out how to put his hand between a girl's legs, but his fingers sliding over her clit sets her skin tingling. Not just that, but his hands are warm. It's almost embarrassing with how much it distracts her, so that there's a good several seconds of pause before she gets her thoughts back in order to respond.

"Hey," she repeats with more mock-indignation, just for emphasis, "it is not fair if I don't get to touch, too. Move up a little, I want to touch!"

She reaches out, making grabby hands in the general vicinity of his boner, just to illustrate that her arms are just this side of too stubby. He's got the upper hand (hah.) on her and she just can't settle for that, and her curiosity is starting to pique. She knows his underwear aren't doing either of them any favors, either, and she always has been a go-getter. Damn it Dave, she just wants that D.

Maybe he pays a little more attention to Bro and Bro's shenanigans than he'd ever like to admit. Regardless, there's a big difference between theory and practice. A massive canyon, really. It's like science, right. You can describe how to use a bunsen burner, but explaining what happened to your eyebrows takes a little more know-how. Whatever. She likes it, right? She actually fucking likes what he's doing. It's all the encouragement he'll ever need, for now. He's desperate for validation, there's no point in denying it.

Once it's apparent her protests aren't out of a dislike for what he's doing, he can just ease up even more. He needs to keep assuring himself, but he's got this- and dear god she's almost got this. He can't help veering away as she reaches for his dick, not liking how aggressive those hands are getting.

"So you're telling me you don't like getting all of the attention?" He stops moving his hand to give her a look of disbelief before deciding the best way to handle this is to pull his hand back and move to flop down beside her. "How do you like them apples?"

Considering that it gives her a chance to get up on her knees and throw one over him to straddle his legs?

"I like them a whole lot." Planting her hands flat against his stomach, she gives a little tickle. She could just go for gold now, but... turnabout is fair play. She just smiles down at him. "So what should I do now?"

Well, Dave is now seeing the value in a position like this. Feferi has posed a very convincing argument with her thighs and his dick definitely can't find a fault in it. And, like any strapping, young man, he'll take his advice from his dick.

"Point taken." Did his voice break? No. Your ears broke. Sorry to hear that. Wow, he didn't mean to think hear, he isn't ableist he swears. "Getting on it-" He starts, pretty much vomiting out those words before stopping himself. "..Would be a good start. I think. Pretty sure that's how it goes, anyway. Unless you didn't want to, I wouldn't blame you. Dicks are pretty weird. I hear it hurts too- I dunno. Not intentionally, anyway."

Deep breathing. "Uh. You can touch it." Wow that sounds rude. "..Please?"

Hooking her forefingers under the band of his underwear, tugging them up towards her-- not down his body-- and holding there, like she might let them snap at any second. It doesn't give her very good view, but now that they've switched positions, maybe she wants to play with him just a little bit more.

"I don't know, you didn't want it before," she says with mock hesitation. "Are you really sure I should?"

She lets the band back down against his skin, gently, but continues to give little tugs, moving them down just centimeters while she watches his face expectantly.

This moment feels more nerve-wracking and awkward than any shower session after gym, any bad school play and any invasive questions from Bro in his frequent attempts to be a cool bro you can discuss dick issues with. There’s a very brief, delicate moment of anticipation as he sucks in a breath, he can’t even properly appreciate how adorable she looks when he’s waiting for her to rate his irl dick pic.

“What?” That comes out in a near squeak and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Dave. He visibly cringes, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth for a moment before sputtering at her. “What? No. C’mon, everybody does that. What kind of boy would I be if I gave my virginity to anyone? You aren’t even trading cattle for it, in this day and age that’s pretty damn shifty.” God where is his mouth filters. He’s shifting under her, trying to sit up. “Look, I know you’re an alien so I’m just being a little more lenient. Humans like playing games with each other’s brains, it’s called mindplay. Or mindfucking. It’s how we do foreplay.”

He falls silent as she begins to tug his underwear down, watching with a near vacant expression. “I’ve seen the light.” His voice is decidedly softer, but he apparently could not hold back that brilliant comment.

"Yeah but two can play at that game, you know!" His off-color quips go right over her head, though she'd probably take them amiably anyway. She's just used to half the things he says being outside her realm of understanding and is happy enough to roll with them. It's part of the charm, really.

But he's trying to sit up, so she backs up a little to give him space to do whatever it is, her eyes trained on his so that she's vaguely aware of what he's doing. Despite her teasing, she's eager and trying not to look it as much as she can. She holds out as long as she can manage, before her eyes dart down for a moment, then back up again as she presses her lips together. Though she's trying not to laugh, she's relieved to actually see that he doesn't have something weird down there... like a gnome. The thought had occurred to her only briefly.

She clambers off his legs after a moment more, to let him get his underwear off all the way. She just can't stop glancing, not caring to be so brazen as to stare, but it's not as though she's seen a whole ton of dicks in her life-- it's new, and it is thrilling, and she can't help but think it looks a little silly up close. Not enough to be off-putting in the least, and not too far outside the realm of what she expected, but still silly.

And for the moment, they're unbalanced again, her with her own panties still left, and she's tempted to unceremoniously whip them off herself, before she manages to try and catch his eyes again, hooking a thumb around the waistband. Might as well, while she's off to one side and uninhibited.

"...but I think I'd rather play other games, though. Would you like to do the honors?"

He’s pretty damn relieved that she doesn’t seem to nitpick all of his rambling. If she did, she’d be like Rose or John and that’s the opposite of sexy. For the best, sexiest moments together, it’s really better to ignore him until he runs out of stupid, brainless things to say. They might be here a while.

He had been sitting up to protest, but now he’s not sure why he even was or what he was trying to accomplish, so he’ll just fold his arms over his chest awkwardly and watch her as discreetly as possible. She doesn’t look disappointed, that’s the most important thing. He doesn’t doubt she’d be super subtle and point out that he has a silly looking dick or something to that effect. As far as he’s concerned, she thinks it’s great and can’t wait to get on it. Yep. Solid thinking.

When she moves, he decides to shuck off his boxers like it ain’t no thing and discard them with the same casual nature. He’s already been a princess about everything so far, he doesn’t want her to think he isn’t eager and ready to go in some sense. He’s no ho, but he thinks he could spare her the cost of a cow just this once.

“Right.” He looks over to her, brows knitting together as she hooks her thumb like that. What is she doing? Is it weird to ask? He may never know for sure, so he just stares intently at her before scooting a little closer.

“You mean you can’t do this yourself? Talk about lazy.” And yet his hands are eagerly reaching for her panties so he can tug them down her thighs. He’s moving quicker this time, starting to make himself impatient from how much he’s drawn it out.

She lets him do the brunt of the work, pulling them down to her knees, then helps out a little so she can slip them the rest of the way. That's it, there's nothing more. Nothing else to take off, finally. That took a lot longer than she would have liked! It's been getting late-- or early, more like it-- and if they dragged it out any longer, she might have fallen asleep halfway through. Right now, though, she's got more than enough energy to drape herself loosely around his shoulders.

"Maybe I just like your hands all over me, is that really a crime?" Letting go, she dramatically swoons backwards onto the bed, with her arm over her face. "I don't know if I can live with the thought of having done something so heinous!"

Briefly, though, she peeks out from under her arm. "Am I doing it right? You know, the thing you do, with the sarcasm!"

Truly, Dave is the hardworking one here. He started this off bringing her a towel at a super inconvenient hour! He could have been thinking about sleeping. Rather than, y'know. Actually doing it like a normal human, non-nocturnal creatures that they are. Trust him to find complaints when he's about to get laid for the first time in forever.

"I wouldn't put xenophilia off the table of questionable acts." His tone is dry as ever, but his eyes are at least lit with a fond sort of fascination for her. He doesn't feel as shy as he usually would while looking at a naked chick, he guesses she's just that good at being disarming. That's pretty much confirmed when he manages not to blush at her draping over him. It's a good feeling, it's a great feeling and he can feel it without his brain protesting how lame he's being. It's nice.

An unattractive snort escapes his nose when she swoons backward, and he'll move alongside her to give her a look full of mixed feelings. You are way too goofy to be that attractive, Feferi. He can't tell if he's in a comedy or a romance movie right now. He feels like it's his turn to make a move of sorts, so he'll daringly place an arm on the curve of her waist and just sort of run it back and forth. "Don't quit your day job, kid." He leans in to bump their foreheads together, half climbing over Feferi as he does.

"Oh well," she sighs, craning her neck to press back. By way of trying to sneak her legs around his, she encourages him to get right in there. Whether he realizes it or not, all his silliness, his lame jokes, and even the things that go over her head are relaxing. Someone serious would have been boring, or made her tense. Being able to just be casual with him tells her she's made the right choice, as if she ever actually doubted.

Slipping her arms up under his, she tilts her head to give a little kiss, before settling back down against the bed. "So now we just... wait, do I need to do anything?"

A better time to ask would have been maybe... never. She feels just a smidgen of embarrassment for having asked at all, but the mechanics have never been her utmost concern before now. She doesn't just want to leave him in the lurch if she can avoid it, he's been so good to her tonight, he surely does not deserve her shortcomings in the realm of lovemaking.

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Skinny derpin'

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